


Tes performances olympiques

by orphan_account



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Blanket Permission, Crack, Dildos, First Time, M/M, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-27
Updated: 2014-07-27
Packaged: 2018-02-10 16:34:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2032059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Patrick Kane losing his ass cherry to a dildo. That's it, basically.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [this prompt](http://thesinbin.dreamwidth.org/1008.html?thread=166384#cmt166384). Inspiration from [this (nsfw) post](http://unbucaneve.tumblr.com/post/87411952020/masterblaster-theeasyvirtue-masterblaster).  
> Link description: it's an image based post with a picture of a huge dildo being used to hold a door open.  
> The caption says: "We ordered lube and rubbers online and because we spent more than $20 they sent us a free (too-big-to-use) dildo. So…".  
> Another user wrote "to big to use….?" to which the OP replied with: "You know, I’m glad you asked, because it allows me to print a correction. I originally said it was too big to use, but yesterday I learned an important lesson about determination and believing in yourself."
> 
> Title from Yelle's "Je Veux Te Voir".

It's supposed to be a joke. Kaner has been complaining a lot about how his latest break up has left him with just his left hand to keep him company and the guys have already started getting tired of him.  
  
So Jonny is not really surprised when Sharpy comes into the locker room and gives Kaner a present. It's wrapped up in red paper with... Are those tiny penis on it? Yup, they are.  
  
Kaner squints suspiciously at Sharpy, but in the end he shrugs to himself and goes to town on the wrapping paper.  
  
There's a box inside and when Kaner opens it he starts gaping like a fish. Jonny's not sure what could make Kaner become that shade of red, but he gapes when Kaner extracts a ridiculously huge dong.  
Sharpy is laughing is ass off, saying: "This way you'll stop complaining about not getting some, Peekaboo!" and Jonny tries his hardest to hide his laughter.  
  
Kaner clutches the now closed box to his chest, before thinking better of it and using it to whack Sharpy in the head.  
  
*  
  
The dong doesn't come up until the next time Kaner invites the guys to his place.  
  
As usual, the guys all arrive in random order, some too early, some on time, most of them 'fashionably late' (which means they had nothing better to do but remembered about the thing at Kaner's place at the very last moment or got lost on the way to Trump Tower). As it is, Kaner soon gets fed up with having to get up to open his door every few minutes, so he leaves it open.  
  
It's not until he hears a commotion from the foyer that Jonny starts wondering how exactly did Kaner manage to make the door stay open. The reply is: by sticking the dildo in front of it. The sucker at the base of it keeps it firmly planted on the floor, but it still looks pretty weird.  
  
Jonny doesn't even need to say anything, one of his patented Captain Serious looks is enough to make Kaner spill.  
  
"What! - he exclaims, waving his arms - It's too big, Jon, at least this way I put it to good use!"  
  
Jonny snorts and doesn't comment on it, choosing instead to go grab a beer.  
  
*  
  
A few weeks later, Kaner texts Jonny to tell him he's gonna miss optional skate. Jonny frowns.  
  
 _Everything alright?_  he texts, not quite worried, but ready to call the team doctors if Kaner needs them.  
  
 _yea, just pushed 2 hard ystrdy_  
 _if u kno what i mean_  Kaner texts back, followed by a few penis emojis.  
  
 _I don't want to know_  Jonny replies because honestly? He really doesn't.  
  
*  
  
The next day he's in the locker room retaping his stick, when he hears Sharpy shout of "Peekaboo! We thought you had the plague!"  
  
Jonny snorts and doesn't say anything, just keeps watching his hands while also keeping an ear out for any sign of trouble.  
  
"Yeah, no, I'm good" replies Kaner, yawning without even bothering to put a hand in front of his mouth, god, didn't anyone even teach him some manners?  
  
Sharpy keeps probing at Kaner because that's what he does best: bother you until you're ready to snap his neck.  
  
"Peeks, tell me what happened! Did you go shopping for my beautiful child and forgot you had a job to do?" he grins, poking at Kaner's cheek. When Kaner looks like he's about to turn away from him, Sharpy puts an arm around him, trapping him.  
  
"Actually, I wasn't buying a present, as I was  _using_  one. - He's dimpling shamelessly, staring intently at Sharpy, and Jonny has to put his stick down because he knows this is gonna be good. "Remember that thing you gave me some time ago? The one with all the veins?"  
  
Jonny holds his breath, waiting for the punchline, even though he has an inkling of where this is going.  
  
"Well, you were right. Now that I have Bob, I'm definitely going to stop complaining about not getting laid." he winks cheerfully, ignoring the way Sharpy's mouth has fallen open, gaping.  
  
Kaner struts towards his locker, ignoring Sharpy's hurt wail of "You gave it a name?" and fistbumps Jonny before sitting down.  
  
Jonny can't resist asking: "So, it wasn't too big then?"  
  
Kaner's eyes sparkle with mischief when he answers: "I'm glad you asked, Tazer, because I think I learned an important lesson about determination and believing in yourself."  
  
He says it all with a straight face and Jonny just looses it, laughing so hard he cries.


	2. Chapter 2

It’s mocking him. The Dong, capitals letters and all, the one Sharpy gave him as a prank, is mocking him. It’s just always there, even when Pat puts it away, it’s still in the back of his mind and Pat is tired of that. He’s gonna use that- that  _thing_  and he’s gonna show it who’s the boss.  
  
And yeah, Patrick has a game plan here. Fuck him sideways, he has an honest to god 3 step plan to impale himself on The Schlong. The plan goes like this:  
  
1) Check the house for lube. Patrick already did this and he was sad to discover his bottle of KY was only half full. And, like, he’s not gonna use all of it, that would be a lot even for Mr. Big, but Pat is a cautious guy, so he buys another bottle. Just in case.  
  
2) Relax. This step is very important to Pat because if he’s honest with himself he’s actually a little nervous? Not a lot, just, you know, the kind of nervous that comes from being 60% an ass virgin. Uh, as the other 40%, well, he’s pretty sure that having someone else put their fingers up your ass and making you come so hard you black out counts. Damn, that had been a revelation!  
  
Anyway, so, relaxation. Pat is a master of that. He’s waited until he had a couple of days in between games so he wouldn’t have to worry about weird limps and strange occurrences like that. He had a light lunch and he took a shower, a very through one. He teased himself a bit but he didn’t get himself off, just played around. And now he’s in bed, just awake from an amazing nap and he’s warm and content and he’s gonna go thought with step three of his plan: fucking himself with the king of all dildos.  
  
He rubs his face on the pillow, just enjoying the feeling of warmth that’s spreading through his body. He’s glad he went to sleep in just his boxers, less clothes to get rid of.  
  
He lazily circles his hips, shifting until his dick is sliding on the mattress just so. He moans a bit, not caring if he sounds dumb, because there’s only Big Jim and him in the room and the dude is definitely not gonna mind a bit of noise.  
  
Humming a bit to himself, he gets rid of his boxers and grabs the lube from the bedside table. He looks at Dildolicious and from this angle it doesn’t even look that big. Okay, no, that’s a lie, it’s still enormous. It probably says something about him, how saliva starts pooling in his mouth at the sheer girth of his new friend. Today is a day for self discovery, apparently.  
  
Pat starts rubbing his lubed fingers against his hole, licking his lips because yeah, it feels good. In his very limited past experience the first finger has always been the weirdest one, so he immediately slides in two at the same time. It.. might have not been his cleverest idea. It doesn’t hurt, exactly, but it’s. It burns, kinda like stretching a muscle, which makes sense, since, you know, that’s what Pat’s doing here.  
  
He breathes through it, waiting for the burn to subside before trying very slowly and very carefully to scissor his fingers. It feels good, especially once he starts humping the mattress again, just a little. One of his hands is in his ass, the other one is spreading him open and god, he so needs a third hand to jerk himself off. He kinda wishes he was in an hentai right now, with all those tentacles… Yeah, okay, not the moment to think about that, he chides himself, feeling his balls draw up way too soon for his liking.  
  
He rolls over until he’s on his back, half twisting himself in the sheets, before spreading his knees wide on the bed and planting his feet just the way his likes it. He’s starting to feel even warmer and he’s blushing all over, over his chest and nipples, too.  
  
He lubes up his fingers again and experiments a bit with the position before finding an angle that allows him to work three fingers inside at the same time. He brings one of his knees to his chest and wow, does that change the angle!  
  
He thinks of how obscene he would look if there was someone else in the room with him, spread open and eagerly fucking himself on his fingers, getting himself ready for the main event.  
  
He can’t seem to find that perfect place inside of him, the one that makes his toes curl, but he’s not disappointed. The Big Guy will probably nail it without too much effort. Hee, nail it.  
  
When he feels like his ass is stretched enough, he pulls out his fingers. He gives his cock a few squeezes, a reminder of what’s to come, and the he snatches The One. He squints a bit at it before very seriously informing it that “Dude, you and I are gonna make this shit happen”. He winces a bit at the phrasing because ew, but then he shrugs to himself.  
  
He gets stuck a few moments just admiring the size of the plug and how realistic it looks. It’s pale pink but it’s so fucking pretty. It curves gently to the right and it has veins on the underside. Like, who the fuck would even think of those details? Are there people who design dildos? Like, dude!  
  
He shakes himself out of his contemplation and lays the cock on his stomach (the suction cup won’t stick on his skin, damn it) before fishing around for the lube. He has to kick the covers down but he finally finds the bottle on the other side of the bed.  
  
He decides against coating his fingers with it, instead squeezing a generous helping all over it. He spreads the lube while jerking the dick off, smirking to himself. Yeah, he’s good at this part.  
  
And now… Well, now all he has to do is put it inside of him. “Don’t disappoint me, Bob” he tells him sternly and hey, actually Bob seems like a really cool name! One of his exes joked about a vibrator being a battery operated boyfriend, a B.O.B. and that was pretty funny, right?  
  
Ugh, Pat is pussying out. Pat is procrastinating and being a total coward about this, isn’t he? Yeah, he is. "You and me, Bob" he whispers, before gripping him tightly and guiding it down between his legs.  
It’s slippery. It’s slippery and wet and it feels good, rubbing against his perineum. Pat’s breath catches when he feels the head bump lightly against his rim. God, he’s gonna get fucked!  
  
He doesn’t even realize he’s softly whispering a litany of “Come on, come on, come on” until he’s out of breath. God, this is so weird. He tries pushing a bit but stupid Bob slips and now that he thinks about it his grip is pretty bad from this angle. Ugh.  
  
He turns over again, laying on his front, legs spread, before frowning. He doesn’t like how that feels and it seems like too much work. He switches position again, this time laying on his side and yeah, this is so much better. A knee pressed up against his sternum, both of his hands free, yeah, that’s awesome.  
  
He wipes his right hand on the sheets before grabbing Bob and pressing it lightly against his hole again. Now or never, he thinks, and he pushes in.  
  
It’s weird. He wiggles it around a bit and he feels… Full. There’s no other word for it. Even if the head barely popped in, it’s still pretty thick. It doesn’t hurt, thank God for that, but it’s a stretch. It feels different from anything he ever experienced but he likes it.  
  
He wonders if he should move his hips. That seems like the thing to do, maybe, so he does it. He keeps twisting the dildo while undulating his hips slightly and it’s slow going but it’s sinking in.  
A quick flick of his wrist makes him moan and he tries to do it again, succeeding after a few tries. “Fuck yeah, right there” he groans, finally getting his hand on his cock.  
  
He tries to stroke himself slowly, to enjoy this, but he’s so wound up he can feel his orgasm building in his spine. All too soon he’s coming, clenching on the dildo and whimpering a little at the sensation. God, he didn’t even push it all the way inside.  
  
He lays there, come and lube smeared over his body, completely fucked out and not caring in the slightest. “This is awesome” he mumbles, clenching around the dildo to show it how much he appreciates it. “Thank Bob”  
He stays like that for a long time feeling dirty in the best possible way, before falling asleep again.  
  
When he wakes up, he aches all over. He feels like he used muscles he doesn’t even use during the hardest practices and his ass hurts. Bob must have slipped out of him while he was sleeping, something for which he’s thankful because that’s not a feeling he was looking forward to.  
  
He sits up slowly, hissing at the burn in his muscles. The room reeks of sex and it makes him grin. He carefully stands up and walks to the bathroom. He looks at his himself in the mirror and smile. “Hell yeah, you fucking did it!” he congratulates himself before fistbumping his reflection. Life is good.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! :)


End file.
